buddhasavedme

buddhasavedme @ 2009-08-17T00:58:00

2009-08-17T06:03:32Z

All of the awesome shit I want to do is totally possible. Many of these things are simple. A list of the simple awesome shit I want to do:

- Write stories, all of the time, on my computer. Collections of short stories.
- Carry a notebook with me all of the time to write about interesting shit that's happening around me (especially at La Cheim).
- Try to get some of my writing published.
- Make people paintings and drawings regularly.
- Ace my classes this semester.
- Get my driver's license.
- Learn to play the guitar.
- Sing at open mic nights.

The not simple more long term but totally possible goals:

- Transfer to a University.
- Do undergrad, apply to grad school.
- Get my masters in Psychology.

Out of the Darkness Walk 2009

2009-07-09T16:31:15Z

Every 18 minutes someone dies from suicide.
Jesus, that's 3 and counting per HOUR.

The AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) is hosting a community walk to raise money for prevention and awareness in San Francisco on September 26th in the morning (10:00 AM). I'll be there and if anyone wants to come please join. Here's the information and place to register:

http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.eventDetails&eventID=856&destination=E

I'd like anyone who's willing to come with me to join my "team" (team walk, raises money as a whole). It's called "For Gulliver".

buddhasavedme @ 2009-06-13T03:27:00

2009-06-13T08:28:27Z

I think I'm going to stop livejournal for awhile. It's too much. I'm too...can't even bear it, can't say it. I'm just fucked up and journalling for other people to read feels ridiculous.

You don't want to know, anyway. Trust it.

Later.

buddhasavedme @ 2009-05-10T05:46:00

2009-05-10T10:47:34Z

It is almost four. I need to go to sleep now.
life is weird.

And I am struggling again to shake off every single word

2009-04-24T22:24:33Z

we are richer than we know as we struggle to ride home, and im not sorry for my life, but it still overwhelms me sometimes
so will you open one last time, for the sad and for the quiet
so we can carve our wooden bench and let the red wine settle in
And sleep it off again...

I am in so much pain. Lia mentioned seeing a lack of spirituality in me. As an atheist it's tricky for me to know what to do in that area, but I'll get to that on my third step.

I love my sponsor so, so much. I'm sitting here and reading from my NA Basic Text and finished my stepwork assignments, and I text messaged her, and she generously invites me to meet her over dinner in a couple of hours. The thing is, I didn't tell her that I'm here crying and reading the book. She always seems to know.

My heart contracts with gratitude, and pain, and the pain and need and realization of love that someone has for me.

Thank you disillusionment, thank you frailty, thank you consequence, thank you silence, thank you

2009-03-31T21:39:33Z

How 'bout no longer being masochistic? How 'bout remembering your divinity? How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out?

Day's going well. So nice. I feel alright - sick but taking good care of myself so it's not getting too bad. Saw Suzannah and we talked and I showed her a video of some of my friends being their hilarious selves - hi Suzannah, these are the freaks I adore and spend my time with. hahahah. And some childhood photos - she's so funny, at that age where she's talking a lot about having children and she kept saying "Oh my gooooodddd you're so cuuuuuutteeee!"...haha.

Dad and I went by my apartment and fixed the internet so I'll be staying there tonight. Came back to his house to pick out what I want to take with me, get my meds and phone charger, etcetera...and I'm leaving early for Casa so that my dad can get some things done. I've got to get ready because I actually want to look nice when Jennifer and I go to SF tonight to meet Lauren. Casa Serena should be fine; body image group, dinner, process group. It's all the same, plenty of therapy. In process group I want to talk about my lack of feeling - Alexis used to call it dissociation but it feels more like constant removedness.

And then San Francisco, then my first night in my new home. I'll get up early and go to class and then my friend from school, Madeleine, and I are going to study together somewhere. Probably Mama Buzz since it's nearby and we both love it there. Then Casa, then Gilman.
Thursday I've got Kirsten, studying for my midterm, and Casa. Friday I'm secretarying a meeting and got this AWESOME speaker that I've been becoming friends with, this rad woman who lives not *too* far from where I do. I'm excited for that. And I think I've got something else planned...
Then this weekend Kelly and I are going to meet up sometime for tea and to talk more in-depth about her possibly sponsoring me again. I've got some specific questions so I'll probably make a list.

Wendy's graduating from Casa this Thursday - I'm really, really going to miss her. She's leaving on Monday to go to GERMANY and be an au-pair. But we're going to Skype.

Anyway, must go beautify.

buddhasavedme @ 2009-03-30T02:02:00

2009-03-30T07:26:24Z

Funny how sometimes I journal as frequently as multiple times a day and others go a week without.

I guess sometimes I want to tell people things but you can't really call people up every few minutes to update them, haha...so I need to go to bed soon because I have class in 11 hours and want to get some coffee in the morning, and read a bit before I sleep.
I feel pretty good. Listening to music, in the tub, clean hair from the shower earlier...tonight's nice. It feels so nice to be re-engaging in the world of attraction and having little crushes, too...like this whole new side of me is emerging, a side of me that sometimes cares enough to imagine looking nice and use face lotion and daydream about connecting with a guy (or girl, but it's the first time I've felt attracted to men in quite a long time, or safe and unjaded enough to).
Tomorrow I have class in the morning, after which my Dad and I are going to go figure out the internet malfunctioning at my apartment...we haven't gotten around to it yet but tomorrow it's a definite. Then I guess come home for a bit if there's time, followed by Casa Serena. And on Tuesday I have therapy with Suzannah in the morning, then homework/rest, then Casa Serena, and afterwards Jennifer and I are meeting up with this girl from youtube who is also trying to recover from Bulimia in San Francisco! That's exciting. It will be nice to connect with Jennifer and finally meet Lauren, who seems spectacular. Both of them are taking off for awhile soon so I'll enjoy seeing them and chatting over coffee.

I am sort of tired. At the end of the day, it's a lot that I'm doing. Refreshing but tiring.

buddhasavedme @ 2009-03-09T21:55:00

2009-03-10T05:05:11Z

Ah.

There are some things I really hate about myself; for instance, I can be really obnoxious.
I guess the productive way to deal with this would be to practice silence and listening more.

Today was alright, I went to class which was fine, and my poor friend Madeleine had to leave early because she felt too sick. Then I came home, ate lunch, and took a nap. Then Casa Serena.

Came home, took a bath, now it's time to get ready for bed and work on my essay a little and then sleep. Suzannah tomorrow. Usually I feel relieved when my therapy session comes around but I just feel sort of...ambivilent, I guess. Suzannah's a very good therapist and I generally always leave with something to think about but I just feel sad because there are so many goodbyes happening, and in a few weeks it'll be goodbye with her too, and there are some things therapy just can't do anything for. Some things I have to work out for myself by myself.

I've always wanted someone to help me and not "leave me", to sort of do things for me, and I think I'm finally having to let that go. It's painful growth, coming back to realizing again that I AM alone. I'm not alone in the sense that I don't have people who care about and love me, but we're all alone - in existentialism they call it "Isolation", coming to terms with the one-soul-per-body thing, you're born alone, you die alone. It's something I've always thought about and that has brought me a lot of pain...so if all I've got in the end is myself then I'd better make it so that I can stand myself, and to go a bit further and ENJOY my life, I've got to learn to like myself. I enjoy alone-time, refuel time, but in the end I've always looked to other people to make life worth living.

I'm starting to realize that's not effective for me.

(Do I ever talk in non-therapy terms?)

"Sea Longing"by Sara Teasdale

2009-03-08T11:34:57Z

A thousand miles beyond the sun-steeped wall
Somewhere the waves creep cool along the sand,
The ebbing tide forsakes the listless land
With the old murmur, long and musical;
The windy waves mount up and curve and fall,
And round the rocks the foam blows up like snow -
Tho' I am inland far, I hear and know,
For I was born the sea's eternal thrall.
I would that I were there and over me
The cold insistence of the ride would roll,
Quenching this burning thing men call the soul, -
Then with the ebbing I should drift and be
Less than the smallest shell along the shoal,
Less than the seagulls calling to the sea.

"Childhood is the Kingdom where Nobody Dies" by Edna St Vincent Millay

Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age
The child is grown, and puts away childish things.
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.

Nobody that matters, that is. Distant relatives of course
Die, whom one has never seen or has seen for an hour,
And they give one candy in a pink-and-green striped bag, or a
jack-knife,
And went away, and cannot really be said to have lived at all.

And cats die. They lie on the floor and lash their tails,
And their reticent fur is suddenly all in motion
With fleas that one never knew were there,
Polished and brown, knowing all there is to know,
Trekking off into the living world.
You fetch a shoe-box, but it is much too small, because she won't
curl up now:
So you find a bigger box, and bury her in the yard, and weep.
But you do not wake up a month from then, two months
A year from then, two years, in the middle of the night
And weep, with your knuckles in your mouth, and say Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies that matters,
- mothers and fathers don't die.

And if you have said, "For heaven's sake, must you always
be kissing a person?"
Or "I do wish gracious you'd stop tapping on the window with
your thimble!"
Tomorrow, or even the day after tomorrow if you're busy having
fun,
Is plenty of time to say "I'm sorry, mother."

To be grown up is to sit at the table with people who have died,
who neither listen nor speak;
Who do not drink tea, though they always said
Tea was such a comfort.

Run down into the cellar and bring up the last jar of raspberries;
they are not tempted.
Flatter them, ask them what was it they said exactly
That time, to the bishop, or to the overseer, or to Mrs. Mason;
They are not taken in.
Shout at them, get red in the face, rise,
Drag them out of their chairs by their stiff shoulders and shake
them and yell at them;
They are not startled, they are not even embarassed, they slide
back into their chairs.

Your tea is cold now.
You drink it standing up,
And leave the house.

Depression's a bitch

2009-03-02T04:38:13Z

It's going to be a long night.

buddhasavedme @ 2009-03-01T00:41:00

2009-03-01T09:00:28Z

These tears I've cried, I've cried a thousand oceans
And I would cry a thousand more
If that what it takes
to sail you home, sail you home...

It's near painful to love so deeply. My father, my mother, three of my cousins, my very closest friends. It's painful because I don't know that I've been such a blessing to them as they have to me, and because I worry so much of their health and their happiness. Of their overall well being.
I want the people I love to be happy as possible during their lives.

while we were on our knees praying that disease
would leave the ones we love and never come again
on the radio we heard november rain
that solo's real long, but it's a pretty song
we listened to it twice because the DJ was asleep
This is how it works - you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you try until you can't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe until their dying breath
no this is how it works: you appear inside yourself
you take the things you like, then try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you make and stick into some, someone else's heart,
pumping someone else's blood and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does, you'd just do it all again...

buddhasavedme @ 2009-02-28T23:46:00

2009-03-01T07:50:53Z

Aaaaand back to crappy body image.
It was nice while it lasted.

I went for a walk tonight in Berkeley after fellowshipping, and these mid-adolescents were taking up the entire sidewalk and despite seeing me made no motion to move to the side - and briefly I had this thought to put my cigarette out on the particularly annoying girl's forearm. But today these are passing thoughts, not lingering, and my fingers no longer twist the butt into the appropriate positioning until I realize what it is I'm doing. Kinda cool to notice some lessening in the insanity.
It's actually almost funny that my mind is capable of such violent fleeting thoughts, totally serious thoughts.

Haha. Violent Sofia? Calm Sofia. It's like crossing the road between California and Nevada - what'sit gonna be?

buddhasavedme @ 2009-02-28T18:26:00

2009-03-01T02:27:28Z

What do you guys know about taking classes online? I think next semester I might look into that, take one online if I'm taking three. It sounds interesting and potentially less overwhelming.

buddhasavedme @ 2009-02-26T13:22:00

2009-02-26T21:23:32Z

Stomach very upset.
Depressed as hell.

Have therapy, then Casa Serena.

Wish I could sleep.

Blerg...

2009-02-21T21:41:35Z

The garage sale.
My dad is selling all of our shit. Some of MY shit. My dead grandmother's stuff, gifts people have given ME (without even asking), our table, the TV stand, the kitchen trolley thing, his records, the bike he loves....

FUCK. So I'm rescuing what I can. I really am not enjoying all of the stupid neighbors I've avoided for years traipsing INTO my house like they own it and starting pointless conversations with me when I clearly did not invite them. Asking me if [__insert something preciousandpersonal___] is for sale. How much is it?

"I don't know, you'll need to ask my father."

buddhasavedme @ 2009-02-16T01:20:00

2009-02-16T09:20:54Z

XLVIII - AE Housman

Be still, my soul, be still; the arms you bear are brittle,
  Earth and high heaven are fixt of old and founded strong.
Think rather, -- call to thought, if now you grieve a little,
  The days when we had rest, O soul, for they were long.
 
Men loved unkindness then, but lightless in the quarry
  I slept and saw not; tears fell down, I did not mourn;
Sweat ran and blood sprang out and I was never sorry:
  Then it was well with me, in days ere I was born.
 
Now, and I muse for why and never find the reason,
  I pace the earth, and drink the air, and feel the sun.
Be still, be still, my soul; it is but for a season:
  Let us endure an hour and see injustice done.
 
Ay, look: high heaven and earth ail from the prime foundation;
  All thoughts to rive the heart are here, and all are vain:
Horror and scorn and hate and fear and indignation --
  Oh why did I awake?  when shall I sleep again?

buddhasavedme @ 2009-02-16T01:17:00

2009-02-16T09:17:56Z

XLIV - AE Housman

Shot? so quick, so clean an ending?
  Oh that was right, lad, that was brave:
Yours was not an ill for mending,
  'Twas best to take it to the grave.
 
Oh you had forethought, you could reason,
  And saw your road and where it led,
And early wise and brave in season
  Put the pistol to your head.
 
Oh soon, and better so than later
  After long disgrace and scorn,
You shot dead the household traitor,
  The soul that should not have been born.
 
Right you guessed the rising morrow
  And scorned to tread the mire you must:
Dust's your wages, son of sorrow,
  But men may come to worse than dust.
 
Souls undone, undoing others, --
  Long time since the tale began.
You would not live to wrong your brothers:
  Oh lad, you died as fits a man.
 
Now to your grave shall friend and stranger
  With ruth and some with envy come:
Undishonoured, clear of danger,
  Clean of guilt, pass hence and home.
 
Turn safe to rest, no dreams, no waking;
  And here, man, here's the wreath I've made:
'Tis not a gift that's worth the taking,
  But wear it and it will not fade.

buddhasavedme @ 2009-02-16T00:34:00

2009-02-16T08:36:45Z

A.E. Housman, 1936

Stars, I have seen them fall
but when they drop and die
no star is lost at all
from all the star-sown sky.
The toil of all that be
Helps not the primal fault;
It rains into the sea,
and still the sea is salt.

buddhasavedme @ 2009-02-15T00:37:00

2009-02-15T05:39:15Z

My dad and I just had a fight. We've never done anything together, never really had a relationship. Now he's moving. He's pissed at me for sleeping all day and asking him to drive me all over the place. I'm pissed at him for leaving and being so insensitive. I'm a terrible daughter, he is who he is, and I feel alone and scared and I need people.

buddhasavedme @ 2009-02-12T02:52:00

2009-02-12T07:55:43Z

I feel like I'm losing it. The one word I can think of that truly, accurately describes how I'm feeling is "distressed". Really distressed. It is really frustrating and sad for me, to be having these night attacks again, to be wanting to drink so badly. I'm really disappointed that things are so hard.
The moment I let go of one thing it's on to the next. The moods, the highs and lows so drastic, so disruptive. I'm just really sad that things are the way that they are right now.

buddhasavedme @ 2009-02-01T22:17:00

2009-02-02T06:21:04Z

You know what? I think I should drop the English class. It's the one I'm not even officially enrolled in and not even sure I CAN be unless I work my ass off and chase the teacher and convince her to add me...I should go to class tomorrow, turn in the essay, give myself a week to think it over and talk about it with my dad and some friends...and then make a decision. That way I'm still going to class twice a week and have that structure/meaning but starting out with ONE class.

I like it...

buddhasavedme @ 2009-02-01T02:17:00

2009-02-01T07:25:43Z

Looks like another hard night ahead...what's triggered these nighttime freakouts back? Stress? Caffeine? I'm on my meds. I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing.

This is personally humiliating...can a person be embarassed to themselves?

I'm also really confused about someone I love. "What do you want? What are you doing? I want to try this - but I'm not in a place to risk my newly forming stability. If I did, it wouldn't be good for either of us. So take some personal time, and you figure it out and let me know."

You know, not a day goes by that my father doesn't have me in tears. He's not doing anything bad or that he can help - he's aging, he's moving, he's in a stressful depressing spot in life, and I love him more than anyone else in the world. Does everyone experience this aching, almost excruciating nervous worry and sadness around a parent? And my mother...well, my god, I haven't seen her in six weeks? And before that it had been two months or so. This is just very different and it makes me sad.

I want simplicity.

buddhasavedme @ 2009-01-31T04:02:00

2009-01-31T09:10:02Z

...scratch that, I NEED to write. I lost my phone awhile ago and have limited phone numbers still and just looked through my address book, and there isn't anyone in there I thinkI could call at one in the morning. Throwing up seems like almost an automatic reflux, my stomach started lurching and . I don't know what I cando. I don't want to feelso alone right now. I do not want to go downstairs and scare my father. My unwellness scares him enough, upsets him enough, and I don't think he would be of great help right now so it probably would not be good for either of us. I do not want to be alone on nigbts like this, it's been awhilesince I've felt remotely near this way. It's not a crisis, not really, I amnot going to kill myself and I am not going to purge and I have not in quite some time now. But I don't want to get into the idea that I have to be in crisis in order not to be aloen. I want to make it clear I'm not a victim. I jstu don't want to st with this alone. Sometimes noone is avaialble though and you have to. Maybe tonight is one of those nghts. It's late. I ahve the tools, don't I? So I try to sleep if I can/ or watch Harry POtter and then call someone in the mornimg.

I dion't want to feel this way but I cannot keepresisting feelings. When I do that things dion't go well for me.

buddhasavedme @ 2009-01-29T03:02:00

2009-01-29T11:04:50Z

Oh, and just to say it, do you have any idea how much I care about you? Nomatter who 'you' are. I care about you a LOT. It hurts me, I care so much. I want everyone to have happiness in their life and not have to live their lives cleaning up wreckage or making mistakes they can't live with. I want you to be happy and know that you are loved and cherish yourself. I want you to be gentle with yourself. I want the very best, for everyone.

I really do.

buddhasavedme @ 2009-01-27T22:42:00

2009-01-28T06:49:35Z

Sappy Facebook Status: Sofia is just as capable as anyone else with a brain, and can totally do this college thing. Essay, homework, exhaustion, and life. All of it...bring it on.

I don't feel quite that confident, but positive affirmation and statement is supposed to be helpful in reframing thought processes, right?
It's 10:45 and I've just completed my homework...I didn't really have a lot, but I had so little time (from class yesterday to tomorrow, with Casa both days and other important things to do as well). So I have to wake up around 7 tomorrow in order to eat breakfast, shower, get coffee, and get to class on time...my goal is to get to sleep by 11:30 at the latest. Now is wind-down time...go downstairs, drink a glass of water, get my stuff and into bed, do a little brainstorming for Essay subject, and read a little or watch one episode of 30 Rock and go to sleep.
That's my goal. I can't sleep as little as I did Sunday night because I was exhausted and unable to concentrate in class.

Wish me luck. Today was alright - I have to remind myself to breathe constantly. Clothes shopping was emotionally turbulent because the pants I tried on didn't fit, but I can get pants another day and the dietician said that as soon as I see the cardiologist and/or am cleared to exercise I can do so. So maybe tomorrow I'll call Dr. Knight and do a light workout at the gym with my dad if I have time.

I think in order to prepare myself for sleep I really need to slow down my thought process and just...relax.